I don't even know how to cry anymore.
I know that sounds crazy, how do you forget how to cry.
Ever since Alex left I have felt like I need to have a good pillow pounding, voice losing, dehydrating cry. You know the kind that leaves you so drained you get a headache and sleep for 12 hours, but feels cathartic.
It hasn't happened.
When he first left and got on the plane to go overseas there were so many changes in itinerary that when it really was the last phone call it actually seemed like a shock. I cried... But for me, that was a nothing cry.
Then I was dealing with the stress of school, I had no time. I did have one break down on my way home from clinical, but that was almost more school related than anything else (though that is the closest I have come to a total release). But no soul cleansing tears.
I seem to have forgotten how to truly cry.
I know the timing of this seems silly. Today was a wonderful day, my little brother got engaged to a great girl, but I woke up this morning thinking "man I could really do with a good cry." I tried too. I was already sad, tearing up a little and I gave myself permission to just go at it...nope.
I think its because of the constant worr. if you let yourself break down because of (A) what are you going to do when (B) happens. And let me tell you, some days are so crazy we make it all the way down to (Z)
Sigh
Any advice on crying? I never thought I'd have to ask that before. I just feel if I release some of this tension I will feel so much better. Its mentally exhausting.
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