Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
thanks to the Marines...
I don't even know how to cry anymore.
I know that sounds crazy, how do you forget how to cry.
Ever since Alex left I have felt like I need to have a good pillow pounding, voice losing, dehydrating cry. You know the kind that leaves you so drained you get a headache and sleep for 12 hours, but feels cathartic.
It hasn't happened.
When he first left and got on the plane to go overseas there were so many changes in itinerary that when it really was the last phone call it actually seemed like a shock. I cried... But for me, that was a nothing cry.
Then I was dealing with the stress of school, I had no time. I did have one break down on my way home from clinical, but that was almost more school related than anything else (though that is the closest I have come to a total release). But no soul cleansing tears.
I seem to have forgotten how to truly cry.
I know the timing of this seems silly. Today was a wonderful day, my little brother got engaged to a great girl, but I woke up this morning thinking "man I could really do with a good cry." I tried too. I was already sad, tearing up a little and I gave myself permission to just go at it...nope.
I think its because of the constant worr. if you let yourself break down because of (A) what are you going to do when (B) happens. And let me tell you, some days are so crazy we make it all the way down to (Z)
Sigh
Any advice on crying? I never thought I'd have to ask that before. I just feel if I release some of this tension I will feel so much better. Its mentally exhausting.
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I know that sounds crazy, how do you forget how to cry.
Ever since Alex left I have felt like I need to have a good pillow pounding, voice losing, dehydrating cry. You know the kind that leaves you so drained you get a headache and sleep for 12 hours, but feels cathartic.
It hasn't happened.
When he first left and got on the plane to go overseas there were so many changes in itinerary that when it really was the last phone call it actually seemed like a shock. I cried... But for me, that was a nothing cry.
Then I was dealing with the stress of school, I had no time. I did have one break down on my way home from clinical, but that was almost more school related than anything else (though that is the closest I have come to a total release). But no soul cleansing tears.
I seem to have forgotten how to truly cry.
I know the timing of this seems silly. Today was a wonderful day, my little brother got engaged to a great girl, but I woke up this morning thinking "man I could really do with a good cry." I tried too. I was already sad, tearing up a little and I gave myself permission to just go at it...nope.
I think its because of the constant worr. if you let yourself break down because of (A) what are you going to do when (B) happens. And let me tell you, some days are so crazy we make it all the way down to (Z)
Sigh
Any advice on crying? I never thought I'd have to ask that before. I just feel if I release some of this tension I will feel so much better. Its mentally exhausting.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Fell off the wagon
So I have a confession to make. You remember how excited I was about starting my diet? And the first 5 lbs I lost? Yah... I fell off the band wagon. I have reasons, tons of reasons, but really they're just excuses. Some are good.. like you really shouldn't work out when you have a fever of 102. Some are easy... like who wants to work out when its 100* outside. And some were just lame... like "I'm too stressed out with school to worry about anything else." but they're all just excuses.
Well I'm trying again. Luckily I only gained back 2 lbs. So here I go again. I am bummed that I lost almost a full month of time I could have been getting skinny, and since Alex will likely be coming back a month early I may not make my goal of 30lbs by the time he comes back BUT I can get close!! And there is hope for me! I figured that today was basically ruined. I went to a house warming party today and had lasagna, croissant sandwich, and cake (mmm). So when I went to eat dinner I looked for whatever in the fridge looked REALLY good but was not diet friendly. Found the yummy alfredo pasta I made a few nights ago (even cooked the mushrooms in wine, it was awesome) so put some of that on a plate. Mom had the stuff to make chicken soft tacos so made one with sour cream, avocado, and cheese. As the pasta was heating up I was checking to see if the box of Special K had gotten stale yet, and after I ate one flake I went "omg.. I want to eat a bowl of this, not what I'm heating up!" So I had one bite of the pasta, one bite of the taco and then put it down the disposal and had a bowl of Special K for dinner instead :)
So here I go again, hope hope hope.
Well I'm trying again. Luckily I only gained back 2 lbs. So here I go again. I am bummed that I lost almost a full month of time I could have been getting skinny, and since Alex will likely be coming back a month early I may not make my goal of 30lbs by the time he comes back BUT I can get close!! And there is hope for me! I figured that today was basically ruined. I went to a house warming party today and had lasagna, croissant sandwich, and cake (mmm). So when I went to eat dinner I looked for whatever in the fridge looked REALLY good but was not diet friendly. Found the yummy alfredo pasta I made a few nights ago (even cooked the mushrooms in wine, it was awesome) so put some of that on a plate. Mom had the stuff to make chicken soft tacos so made one with sour cream, avocado, and cheese. As the pasta was heating up I was checking to see if the box of Special K had gotten stale yet, and after I ate one flake I went "omg.. I want to eat a bowl of this, not what I'm heating up!" So I had one bite of the pasta, one bite of the taco and then put it down the disposal and had a bowl of Special K for dinner instead :)
So here I go again, hope hope hope.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Haven't posted in a while
Sitting outside Jimmys work waiting for him to get off, decided that I wanted to go shooting tonight and since you can't rent guns by yourself, and all of Alex's are at a friends house I decided to invite Jimmy. So studied in the lobby for a few hours now sitting outside in the car.
I am seriously stressing the test I took two days ago. Should be getting my score tomorrow or Wednesday. The questions were so obscure and awkward. I'm so afraid that I got a score in the high 60s (what I got on the practice tests the first time I took them). This of course is making me doubt myself and my future in nursing *sigh*
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